If you’ve ever found yourself screaming into a throw pillow after your team blew another fourth-quarter lead, or developed a twitch every time the phrase “America’s Team” is uttered on national television, good news: you may be entitled to financial compensation.
A new (and, let’s be clear, entirely satirical) “Fan Compensation Index” from Covers.com has finally put a price tag on the emotional damage and psychological distress inflicted by all 32 NFL franchises. Using a proprietary formula that weighs decades of trauma, recent meltdowns, and the general volatility of a fan base, the index calculates exactly how much restitution each long-suffering supporter is owed in a hypothetical class-action lawsuit.
Here’s a quick look at what some of the most aggrieved fan bases are owed:
- Dallas Cowboys: $1,850 per fan
- Cleveland Browns: $1,775 per fan
- New York Giants: $1,387 per fan
- Baltimore Ravens: $773 per fan
Unsurprisingly, Dallas Cowboys fans are the lead plaintiffs. Topping the list with a staggering $1,850 settlement per fan, their grievance is a masterclass in misery: decades of inflated expectations, zero NFC Championship appearances since 1996, and a unique talent for primetime implosions. The settlement includes one pre-cleared, character-limit-free vent tweet per week and, most importantly, “a safe, Jerry-free zone for postgame processing.”
But the Cowboys aren’t the only ones with a case. Cleveland Browns fans, long-term residents of the “factory of sadness” in the “mistake by the lake” (…probably the meanest nickname for a city ever!) are owed $1,775 for enduring a revolving door of quarterbacks and a special kind of dysfunction that feels both historic and impressively innovative. Their settlement package includes a complimentary “Hope is Not a Strategy” bumper sticker.
The index is full of painful truths. Giants and Jets fans are neck-and-neck in the race for New York misery, while Dolphins supporters can file a claim for the emotional whiplash of a mid-season surge that led absolutely nowhere. Even the Baltimore Ravens, a model of regular-season competence, owe their fans $773 for “cumulative postseason mental hardship and recursive heartbreak syndrome.”
The methodology is as brilliant as it is absurd, combining a “Grievance Score” with a “Fan Stress Multiplier.” It accounts for everything from blown leads and meme-able embarrassments to the sheer exhaustion of being stuck in a narrative that never, ever changes.
But the Cowboys aren’t the only ones with a case. Cleveland Browns fans, long-term residents of the “factory of sadness,” are owed $1,775 for enduring a revolving door of quarterbacks and a special kind of dysfunction that feels both historic and impressively innovative. Their settlement package includes a complimentary “Hope is Not a Strategy” bumper sticker.
The Covers index reads a catalog of specific acts of managerial malpractice designed to inflict maximum pain, not just a who’s who of bad records.
For example, in Chicago, Bears fans are owed $860 a piece for what the settlement calls “Chronic Organizational Dysfunction,” which fits well for a team that got its star rookie quarterback sacked 68 times and is approaching “trust the process” levels of franchise rebuilding. Enough with the scapegoats! Y’all saw how that worked out on Monday night in primetime against Minnesota.
Then you have the top of the list. Just when you thought the Cowboys’ number couldn’t get any higher, the franchise shipped Micah Parsons, arguably the best defensive player in the league, to the Green Bay Packers right before the season started.
Look, losing is one thing. Actively sending a generational talent to an NFC rival, forcing your fan base to watch him chase a Super Bowl in another uniform for the next decade? That goes past a simple grievance. It’s almost an act of franchise negligence that warrants its own separate lawsuit. Can you blame the guy for all that epic trolling? So while you won’t be seeing a check in the mail, go ahead and look up what you’re owed.
There’s a certain satisfaction in seeing your pain so precisely quantified. And for the love of God, someone get a Cowboys fan a Tylenol.
The post What If You Were Owed Money For Your Bad NFL Fandom? appeared first on BroBible.
What If You Were Owed Money For Your Bad NFL Fandom?
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